Impression of you
smearing orchids
on a palate of stone
i break into a rapture
of orchids i sing
wrestling with Adam
over the Mediterranean i have broken them
these nectars
into song before the orchids painted
their lithographs on a palate of dawn
city a cloud-wreath
a smeared nitrate:
heaven swells in its cadence of stone
over the Mediterranean's
broken song
alternate version
on a palate of stone
i break into a rapture
of orchids i sing
wrestling with Adam
over the Mediterranean i have broken them
these nectars
into song before the orchids painted
their lithographs on a palate of dawn
city a cloud-wreath
a smeared nitrate:
heaven swells in its cadence of stone
over the Mediterranean's
broken song
alternate version
posted by Scott Glassman at 3:27 PM
7 Comments:
this turned out to be a softer deep image poem . . . we can move in another direction if you want - any suggestions?
I like it, though I'm not sure I get the Mediterranean thing.
What's with all of the deleted comments? Are we getting spammed?
yes, spammed away
Mediterranean was reaching too far maybe . . . "ocean" while generic tones it down, doesn't have you stumbling as much
Maybe it's just the double appearance of it that seems to really stress its importance.
I wonder if "stone palate" might work better as well, trying to get away from too many "of" constructions.
OK, one more: I think this poem, because of it's kinship with the more traditionsl, lyric sort of voice, would benefit from punctuation. I'm looking at the lines
"over the Mediterranean, i have broken them,
these nectars,
into song before the orchids painted
their lithographs on a palate of dawn"
it takes away some of the "smear" effect of the poem, I suppose, which is what is at stake, but seems to help in general with the reading and pacing. Take it or leave it :)
i going to take another looksie at it on my blog where i worked on it some and play around with your suggestions. Thanks! (my only hesitation is wanting maximum fluidity-- but if you're tripping up on it, there could be a problem with fluidity in the first place)
longer lines dissolving as you progress to shorter ones . . .
i like it better now . . . what's your take?
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