marathon
why make an accomplice of Saturn
when its rings come clear?
why try and breathe
its debris?
what did she say that could have
made you think twice,
running down orbits
beside you in bed
nothing but a clarity
of Saturn, the faster
you move across the hills
the longer it takes
to reach you
when its rings come clear?
why try and breathe
its debris?
what did she say that could have
made you think twice,
running down orbits
beside you in bed
nothing but a clarity
of Saturn, the faster
you move across the hills
the longer it takes
to reach you
posted by Scott Glassman at 11:14 AM
2 Comments:
One more line and it could be a psuedo sonnet!
I (sincerely) wonder about your choice not to capitalize. It seems to me that it would highlight the interrogative words like "What" "Why" and "When" but maybe too much. Just a thought. Line five seems like it has too many words. . .what about "what could she say" or "what what did she say" or even "what could she have said that" (or even "what she says could
make you think twice," has an interesting ring to it, but has an obviously different meaning.)
I love the ending, especilly when I think of it as a sonnet. The penultimate stanza is great as well, the intensity of the speed is bizarre next to the "clarity/ of Saturn". And I love the bizarre.
I'm so glad to see you here again!!!
ha! my choice not to capitalize was based on a decision to be interesting, and unlike past writers who are no longer interesting, i want to distinguish myself as interesting; hence, no capitalization
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