from here
choleric multitudes
orange horizons
baskets lowered
over iridescent
ponds, domes,
overpasses--
how far from earth
do they climb,
noiseless
islands rising
through oil-streaked
dawn
orange horizons
baskets lowered
over iridescent
ponds, domes,
overpasses--
how far from earth
do they climb,
noiseless
islands rising
through oil-streaked
dawn
posted by Scott Glassman at 8:13 AM
2 Comments:
I love the first five lines- beautiful. The baskets are haunting, especially as they have no origin. Very nice.
I wonder about the gunfire- It seems you might be missing an opportunity to actually assign it a sound, give it a bit more agency, but use it as a moment to transform the concept, perhaps. "The gunfire sounds like a bell, sifting its way through bodies" something like that. That way, the reader is alos left with both a visual and aural image, which for a poem like this, is a bonus.
The oil-streaked dawn is beautiful- resonates in a multiple ways for me.
yeah, it weakens there... i want to try a more minimalist approach even, take out before i put in. . . tell me what you think
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