another draft
all nouns of the world be
sleeve trodden
or ablutionary ocean underwhelming
your ruin bland oats alive in your hair
conifer & east orange mirage bring this
vehicular moment caught
in descent ascent
calamity against white fin
pick some electric entanglement
to dwell on: hubcap unexpected shrub-wisp
of flower name it for
your speaking tongue but hiding calyx
spaced & from your body
because it already happened once
ask yourself commensurately
if the blacktop is how you remember it
what's lacking pistil sigmata filament
fireshadow without foreplay
when you say hurry
Mojave curative venous & anthropic
this firefly scrim stars all
into you like a kickback and ride
the ablated wreckage we share ash
forehead open glowing burn
Athenic arrow skimming
bent into curve of earlobe
euthanizing soft woods
puddles spoken planks
residual trance carved coagulus
yellow-white bride born
guessing you & I meres of one another
you and I abberant
bitter cactus tongues
in garden in sounding siren
sleeve trodden
or ablutionary ocean underwhelming
your ruin bland oats alive in your hair
conifer & east orange mirage bring this
vehicular moment caught
in descent ascent
calamity against white fin
pick some electric entanglement
to dwell on: hubcap unexpected shrub-wisp
of flower name it for
your speaking tongue but hiding calyx
spaced & from your body
because it already happened once
ask yourself commensurately
if the blacktop is how you remember it
what's lacking pistil sigmata filament
fireshadow without foreplay
when you say hurry
Mojave curative venous & anthropic
this firefly scrim stars all
into you like a kickback and ride
the ablated wreckage we share ash
forehead open glowing burn
Athenic arrow skimming
bent into curve of earlobe
euthanizing soft woods
puddles spoken planks
residual trance carved coagulus
yellow-white bride born
guessing you & I meres of one another
you and I abberant
bitter cactus tongues
in garden in sounding siren
posted by Scott Glassman at 12:37 PM
5 Comments:
I think it's very interesting, more of a continuing thread, as though in moving through the series, we are stories in parts, snapshots in others, still bodies of water, alternating throughout-- I did some trimming I hope you don't mind, maybe more than usual at this phase. See what you think.
also, can you think of a good title for this one? I wonder if we both should take some time to read these 4 chronologically so we can maintain a broader thread for the next ones, or at least talk about where the series is going content-wise, thematically, etc. . . if you want, once we agree on a final form for this last one, I'll do what I did before and post them all in order.
I like the quatrains for this one because it tidys things up a bit- quatrains always feel like squares to me (2 to the 2 power, maybe)and it feels right for this poem, especially with the slightly longer lines. I'd love it if you could/would post the four poems again in order and I'll really take some time to read through them asap. Then we can talk about what's next. Sound like a plan?
I made a few more changes- the first two stanzas had a wierd end-stopped thing going on which was too apparent, especially set against the rest of the poem which actually seems to flow quite well. I'm not sure if I like it as is, but maybe it's OK. I also changed a few other words here and there- we stumble too often into the "this of this" construction and it was a little too overwhelming- were two in a row in one of the stanzas. Anyway, it's getting there. This poem seem s a little more unweildy than others. . .for some reason. . .
i'm still getting hung up on the first stanza, and for some reason "vehicular" is striking me strangely-- yes, it's more cumbersome than the others, could be pared down more maybe? I left the current draft and posted another possibility, three line stanzas. . . what do you think?
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