yet another possibility
sleeve trodden ablutionary
ocean underwhelming your ruin
blandly alive in your hair
conifer & east orange mirage
in descent ascent
calamity against white fin
pick some electric entanglement
to dwell on: hubcap unexpected shrub-wisp
of flower name it for
your speaking tongue but hiding calyx
spaced & from your body
because it already happened once
ask yourself commensurately
if the blacktop is how you remember it
what's lacking pistil sigmata filament
fireshadow without foreplay
when you say hurry
Mojave curative venous & anthropic
this firefly scrim stars all
into you revives
the ablated wreckage shared ashes
forehead open glowing burn
Athenic arrow skimming
bent curve of earlobe
euthanizing soft woods
puddles spoken planks
residual trance carved coagulus
yellow-white bride born
guessing you & I meres of one another
you and I abberant as
bitter cactus tongues
ocean underwhelming your ruin
blandly alive in your hair
conifer & east orange mirage
in descent ascent
calamity against white fin
pick some electric entanglement
to dwell on: hubcap unexpected shrub-wisp
of flower name it for
your speaking tongue but hiding calyx
spaced & from your body
because it already happened once
ask yourself commensurately
if the blacktop is how you remember it
what's lacking pistil sigmata filament
fireshadow without foreplay
when you say hurry
Mojave curative venous & anthropic
this firefly scrim stars all
into you revives
the ablated wreckage shared ashes
forehead open glowing burn
Athenic arrow skimming
bent curve of earlobe
euthanizing soft woods
puddles spoken planks
residual trance carved coagulus
yellow-white bride born
guessing you & I meres of one another
you and I abberant as
bitter cactus tongues
posted by Scott Glassman at 8:35 PM
1 Comments:
I really like "ablutionary" great addition. it creates a depth right away with overtones of cleansing. What do you think about ending before the garden line-- perhaps that whole allusion there is less powerful than the "cactus tongues". I made some other minor changes, and let me know, if you really don't like the tercets, and how I changed some of the lines. Ultimately, if we can't reach a consensus, we can move on to a new poem-- however, there's some great stuff here, wouldn't want to lose it.
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